The last couple O days of Trimester Two

I'm sitting here, enjoying my snickers ice cream bar. Baby is too, I am assuming, since it is dancing up a storm. Husband is working night shift today and I have been sitting on the computer for the last hour looking at photographs getting lost in nostalgia. I should be studying, but instead I'm choosing to soak up all these photographs of my previous pregnancy and my time with Diego as an infant. I am remembering what it will be like and it does nothing but make me smile. I have 2 days left until I am in my third trimester and from there I have, TWELVE WEEKS!!! until my little poppy seed is snuggling up on my chest. Oh how sweet that will be. 

I find myself daydreaming about that day in the labor room when my husband is the one to let me know, "It's a _____!" And while I am not eager to find out the sex, I still can't believe that I don't have a hunch. I thought that by now I would have a feeling as to what the baby's sex is, but I have no idea. And really, that makes it more exciting.

I assembled the cradle a couple of weeks ago and have a bright green cradle bedding set coming in the mail. I think the nesting has started. I feel like I need to have the basics ready. Just in case. Tomorrow I'll buy some Dreft and wash all the onesies I already purchased. 

Nesting is funny. 

Two **

Diego turned two a couple weeks ago. You always hear about what this age will be like. And what can you do but nod and wait to see what it really is like in your experience.

Diego has always been mellow for the most part, with sudden waves of tantrums and fits that come and go. But still, he is mellow, I don't have to run around chasing him too often, he sits still, he eats great, he cuddles and plays really well, doesn't bully- even though he is so much bigger, and I feel lucky for all these things. However sometimes, when we are in the middle of one of those waves (that usually last a few weeks), I feel helpless.

Today I put him in his car seat and he started screaming. Soon he stopped. I took him out of his car seat and asked him to come inside. Again he started screaming, throwing himself. I took him inside, more screaming. So I did the good ol time out. I too, screaming as I marched him to his room. When I closed the door behind me, my heart was pumping so fast, and I felt so angry. And then I felt sad, for feeling angry. Diego, still screaming in his room. I decided to march in there and put him in some sweats and get him straight to nap without reading him stories like I always do. But when I picked him up and took his clothes off, he started crying such sad tears, not angry or frustrated ones. So I hugged him and we rocked on his rocking chair for a good while, all the time him squeezing his arms around my neck.  Both of us calming down together. And I still felt sad. I didn't like losing control, and I constantly remind myself that this little boy is going to grow up so quick and I don't want to look back and feel like there were times I hurt him. But I will probably get angry a thousand more times, and he will scream at me a million more times, and this is how it will be. But I want to find a way to not be down there screaming with him. I want to find a way to  accept the tantrums and handle them the way a pro parent would. I'm 26 and in times like these, I feel like a kid, unsure of what to do. And they are such little things. I mean, they are just temper tantrums, but there is always that idea that you should know how to handle every aspect of parenting, and well, I don't.

Much, much Later// 20 weeks

I just played a few songs from Into the Blue- by the Album Leaf and did some stretches and yoga poses, squats along with a breathing meditation, and now I am sitting here, music still playing reflecting on where I am now. So much time has passed since I wrote last, and too many things have happened. The major thing is that baby is OK. I am, needless to say, no longer on bed rest and as of last week my pregnancy is now normal. The blood clot is finally gone! 

I was on bed rest for 2.5 weeks and then after that it was pelvic rest until last week's ultrasound-- where it became clear the clot was gone and I was allowed to have a normal routine, sex and all, Mellow yoga, some dancing, and lots of walks. I feel so happy. 

So here I am sitting in our new room- Nicholas is working graveyard tonight. Our new room... We moved into our very own home. Two plus weeks ago we got the keys to our new house and let me say-- it has been magical. Our bedroom gets warm sunlight in the morning-- we can even see the sun rise over the mountains. Our living room gets warm sunlight in the evening and has a pellet stove- perfect for these winter nights. Our yard has a big deck and a lot of grass for Diego to trample on. And the third bedroom is sitting bare waiting for it's new inhabitant.

So here I am, glowing, happy to have Diego and Nicholas and so excited for this baby that has been kicking me so much. My babe, now the size of the banana, has been moving so much. I felt babe move for the first time at 16 weeks, and now the movements are only getting stronger. I had missed this feeling-- having something grow inside of you. 

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Lady and the Bed Rest

Today marks Day 3 of strict bed rest and I might just got nuts laying here. I am so particular about things and the way they need to be done, especially with when it comes to my son, and now I have to lay here and just watch my husband dress my poor child in all the wrong clothes, and yell from the sidelines, "Don't forget this, don't forget that! Did you do this? I need that!" My poor husband. My poor little guy I can't carry. And poor me, really.

BUT I shouldn't complain. It's a really selfish thing to do. The important thing is that babe be okay. I need to lay here and heal, so that babe is OK. 

A few days ago, I was up and down cleaning, cooking, caring for my son and his little girlfriend, when I sat down for a break. I felt my panties start to get wet. Really wet. I fell into denial, just sitting there not wanting to think about what was happening, too scared to move, until finally I moved myself to toilet and actually saw and felt blood dripping out. I called my doctor. Right away they said, "You need to go to the ER, NOW." I hung up and called my husband crying, he said he'd be home in two minutes. I called my sister to come watch the kids, and within minutes she was here and we were gone. On my way to the hospital the doctor called and said to go to his office instead of the ER and so we went. When the nurse called us to the room and had me undress, I started pouring blood and I sobbed and sobbed thinking, "this is it." I made a mess and laid there with layers of pads underneath me crying in my husbands arms. The doctor stormed in and right away started the ultrasound, and there babe was, kicking its tiny legs, beating its tiny heart. And I cried... "thank you."

So why was I bleeding? Well there is the placenta previa-- which isn't too uncommon. But now there's more. There is a blood clot resting under baby. It has happened that the clot can come out and let baby out. So here I am waiting to pass the clot, on strict bed rest so that babe stays inside me and grows beautifully. And I Hope and I Wish and I'm sure babe will be just fine.

Baby 10 weeks 5 Days the size of a Lime

This past week, I was asked to go in to see the doctor. I had started to spot. Naturally they wanted to make sure baby was okay. I spotted in my previous pregnancy, but it didn't make me any less nervous. I waited anxiously for the doctor to see me. The first thing he did was roll in the ultrasound equipment. As soon as the screen went on, I saw baby waving its hand everywhere, like it was saying Hello, Hello. And then I saw the flickering heart. A tear of relief rolled down my cheek. After showing me different views of my little babe, the doctor zoomed out to see what the cause of my spotting could be. Right under my placenta was a dark spot. The doctor explained that what is happening is that the placenta is right on top of the cervix-- Placenta Previa. I was told no more sex until the placenta separates from the cervix, and no more physical activity--even mellow yoga. No more carrying Diego too much, and just straight up, TAKING IT EASY. I have to be conscious of how much I am spotting, if it gets heavier, it can be the worse. And well, this has me scared. While I feel that the placenta will grow further away from the cervix as my belly makes more room, I still can't help but to worry. So I am taking it very easy, because we are going to do everything possible to make sure babe enters this world in the healthiest state.


And well, on top of all this, we just signed a contract for our first home purchase. So there, take that for a load.

8 week baby the size of a Raspberry

Ginger Ale and a Box of Kleenix

Wow, did I cry so, so much these past few days!It was a little amusing how easily I would start crying, my husband couldn't help but to smile. 500 days of Summer had me balling and vocally questioning Nick through out the whole movie-- although we all know Nick is the best partner there is. It was a whole bunch of "How come you don't look at me like that anymore?" Ha! And although I know I am being silly, I just have to ride out all these crazy emotions I am having because that is part of being pregnant. And in a way, it's sort of endearing (when you look back at least). Even my prenatal yoga and meditation hour yesterday had me crying and feeling so many things.  So not only am I extremely emotional, but morning sickness has been hanging out and now there is a prickly ball in my throat-- please don't get sick, please don't get for real sick. Diego is feeling a little sick too so this morning we just cuddled on the couch and played Super Mario. But now, it is nap time and as much as I want to snuggle it up and sleep with my boo, I got a midterm to study for. Yay.